Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Gold Raiders

1983 / 109min / UK-Thailand

“Goddamn first time in my life I’ve seen a flying motorcycle.”
-the communist army

The Plot:
A US plane carrying $200 million in gold is shot down in Thailand. Deployed to recover the gold is military-something-or-another-guy, Mark Banner who is teamed up with a beautiful-US-something, Cordelia as well as a couple “human decency loving” Thais. Together they are the secret army group code-named, The Gold Raiders. The evil Thai communist army, lead by a whip cracking commander complete with a wooden peg leg, gets word about the gold and the two parties race to find the downed plane. Out numbered ten to one to the Thai army, The Gold Raiders must rely on the wits of leader Mark Banner and, well, the military’s new secret weapon: a super-motorcycle that's protected by spaceship metal, flies, shoots rockets and, of course, has training wheels. After feirce battles with the communits and a large loss of life from both sides, Mark and company wonders about the price of war (?) after successfully recovering the gold but losing his "love" Cordelia.

The Lowdown:
The movie’s description sounds real promising. As does the fact that I failed to mention that the film has a rubber shark attack and giant fake plastic vampire bats. Overall though, Gold Raiders is indeed a bad movie that scrapes that bottom of the “so bad it’s good” barrel. It’s a terrible, long, clunking film. The lead actor isn’t very interesting, but he does have very terrible hair, which is a plus. Just as you start to sigh and roll your eyes, there’s a scene featuring the awesome Missile Motorcycle--which is the saving grace of the film. It’s a dirt bike with cheap plastic covering, missiles taped onto the handlebars and a bright orange tent contraption on top. Sound great? It is. I’m very happy to report that it’s in a good portion of the film. What's even better is when the tent-thingy opens up to a hang-glider, so the bike can fly around and instill fear into the communist army. That saves the picture friends. There are some teases of nudity and the most ridiculous sad anti-war out-of-nowhere ending I’ve ever seen. I thought this was trying to be the hippest action film ever. Nope, was totally wrong. It's a statement about what humanity has come to (in 1983). While I can't firmly say that it's a complete waste of time for Baction Film lovers, it comes close.


This is why you put money into weapons development!

I could watch this thing battle all day.

Glowing, haunting eyes, from a fuzzy, fearsome Vampire bat.

Things to Watch for:
0:01 – Explosion Alert! Good way to start.
0:03 – Karate fighting in a Speedo. Kinda.
0:31 – Explosion Alert!
0:36 – Explosion Alert! Black hawk done-zo.
0:37 – Fighting in Speedos: The Sequel.
0:38 – Explosion Alert! I think it’s recycled footage from before.
0:44 – “The first Missile Motorcycle” Thank God.
0:51 – Super Cycle rides a tight rope across a canyon.
0:52 – “I know that was a little difficult to believe friend.” No Shit.
0:58 – Explosion Alert!
1:01 – Musical Synth Sting. Ouch that hurt.
1:14 – Gratuitous Wet T-shirt & Swimming.
1:15 – No Chemistry + See-Through Shirt = Love
1:17 – Fake bat gets punched in the face. Priceless.
1:18 – Slumber Party. We’re apparently in fucking Jr. High tonight.
1:26 – Gratuitous Stripping for the greater good of the US!!!
1:27 – Explosion Alert! Missile Motorcycle Strikes!
1:29 – Explosion Alert! Missile Motorcycle Strikes 5 more times!!!!!
1:30 – Explosion Alert! RIP Super Cycle... RIP.
1:39 – Explosion Alert!
1:42 – The most tedious gold drop off/pick up ever.
1:45 – Explosion Alert! Holy cow.
1:49 – Wait. Sad, anti-war ending? No credits? Fine by me.

  • A few glowing reviews on IMDB make me think the film might be better with group and/or 3B viewing.
  • Very hard to find. Got mine through Shocking Videos.


Blogger Juuso said...

I just love Gold Raiders! I was lucky to buy a finnish VHS in a flea market for one euro.

my comments about this incredible extravaganza:

4:49 AM  
Blogger Sajith Sadaruwan said...

6:19 AM  
Blogger Sajith Sadaruwan said...

6:19 AM  
Blogger robert hines said...

This is awesome! You should also check out The Killtime
Insanely hilarious Action Movie blog

3:39 PM  

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