Wednesday, July 05, 2006

STONE COLD
92 min / 1991
Genre: Biker Baction



The Plot:
FBI convinces a rogue Alabama cop, played by the amazing Brian Bosworth, to infiltrate The Brotherhood, a bikers gang who are on a religious killing spree. As if that did make them evil enough, the gang is teaming up with the Italian mafia to traffic drugs throughout the United States. The Boz, (under the name John Stone) seamlessly joins The Brotherhood by kicking ass at a strip club, then kicking ass at a biker rally, then Cutting off the ear of a bad guy that betrayed the gang--Don’t fret, the Boz is a good guy, the FBI pulled some shenanigans by giving him a corpses ear, so he didn’t actually do it... In the background of all that action, is an ongoing murder trial for one of the Brotherhoods member. The Mayor wants to send a message to the bikers and demands that the death penalty be given. He also calls in the National Guard to bring some order to the south. Pressures mount. The Brotherhood's leader, Chains, becomes a more murderous in his religious fanaticism. The Boz meanwhile, attempts to setup the gang and mob in one big set piece which fails, and blows his cover. The film’s finale involves Chains dressing up as a priest, blowing away Supreme Court members inside a courthouse and The Boz stepping in and kicking some serious ass.

The Lowdown:
Right at the beginning, from the over the top criminals that the Boz takes out effortlessly to the even more over the top biker gang rally, you get hints that Stone Cold might be the best movie ever. Granted, I admit that I am somewhat biased. Being a Seattle Seahawk fan and a Bad Action movie lover, this is the perfect film for me. The biker leader is played by a Willie Nelson looking Lance Hendrickson, who is just having too much fun with the part. You have more than a fair share of mullets, tight jeans, naked women, confederate flags and most importantly, exploding shit! The middle of the film gets a little bogged down in plot but you’ve got the Boz in all of his heart stopping glory, so it’s easy to forgive. The final scene is so freakin’ awesome, you wonder why this film isn’t on DVD!!! Bikers ride around the courthouse and, in what is probably the best stunt ever captured on film, a MOTORCYCLE FLIES THROUGH A COURTHOUSE WINDOW INTO HELICOPTER!!!!! And things go BOOM! You have not lived until you witness that scene.

Screen Caps:


The Boz: In Undercover Biker Gang Member mode.


Willie Nelson: Biker Gang Leader


The Most Dangerous (and supportive) Gang in the South!


Fake Priest, Real shooting.


That's a burnt corpse, not Ghost Rider.


This is the most amazing thing ever captured on film!


I don't have anything witty to say here.
I just wanted to see The Boz one last time...

Things to Watch For:

0:01 - Random shooting of Ritz crackers!
0:03 - More random shooting, this time against orange soda.
0:05 - Blowing away a priest via shotgun through Stained Glass Window.
0:05 - Explosion Alert!
0:06 - Explosion Alert!
0:11 - Gratuitous Semi-Nudity
0:12 - Gratuitous Strip Club Nudity
(Bonus! club is called Tit for Tat)
0:23 - Gratuitous Outdoor Showering Nudity
0:25 - Gratuitous Old Lady Biker Nudity
0:28 - “I will peel your skin off with a knife dipped in shit”
0:35 - Explosion alert!!! Mafia Hit!
0:47 - “I need a new bitch.”
“Why don’t you take one of my old ladies?”
0:54 - Explosion Alert!
0:55 - That Biker is so mean it’s comical
0:56 - Explosion Alert! Biker goes bye-bye.
1:00 - Wave your guns in the air and shoot em like you just don’t care
1:09 - Holy Shit Explosion Alert!
1:12 - Holy Shit. I did not see that coming!!!
1:18 - Explosion Alert! Whoa!
1:18 - Double Whoa! Fake Priest gunning down the Supreme Court!
1:19 - “I think of my fathers last words which were ‘don’t son that gun is loaded!’
1:22 - Explosion Alert! Shotgun vs. Motorcycle.
1:24 - The HOLYIST OF ALL Explosion Alerts!
1:27 - Quite possibly the coolest ending shot ever…
1:29 - …into a Freeze Frame Ending!!!!!

Notes:
  • Not on DVD except by bootleg. I recommend you get one though. My copy was of really good quality.
  • The Boz was nominated for a Razzie for this film. Totally undeserved.

4 Comments:

Blogger Patrick said...

At long last! I think you have perfectly captured the beauty of this film. That is indeed the most awesomest ending ever.

Bonus quote: "I ain't never tattoed no corpse's ear before!" (Followed by hillbilly cackle)

10:12 PM  
Blogger Ron said...

i DON'T THINK THE gANG LEADER IS wILLIE nELSON. iN FACT wILLIE IS NOT IN THIS MOVIE.

5:05 AM  
Blogger William Blair said...

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8:05 PM  
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12:55 AM  

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