Thursday, April 13, 2006

Last Man Standing
1996 / 96 mins

"Please Snake--"

"That's Mr. Underwood to you!"

The Plot:
Officer Kurt Belmore is a good cop who, may dress tacky and break the rules here and there, but it’s only to capture bad guys and put them behind bars. Bad guys like Snake Underwood, a notorious bank robber (pictured above). Belmore’s superior officer Seagrove does not like or approve of Kurt’s methods to catch Snake. He's got good reason—the two are in cahoots. Snake robs the banks and the police turn a blind eye for a cut of the cash. Belmore gets suspicious, but isn’t sure until Seagrove “accidently” kills his partner in a hostage situation. Kurt takes some time off to recover from the incident, that is until his wife—a bank vice president—is robbed by Snake. That drives Kurt over the edge. Something’s more than fishy. He fucking caught Snake yesterday. Why is he not in jail? Kurt’s pissed and is ready to openly accuse Seagrove of being dirty. The bosses say take it to Internal Affairs. Guess what? I.A. is dirty too. They try to kill him!! Is every cop in LA crooked? Yes. Is every cop on the force trying to kill him? Yes. Kurt can’t trust anybody but his loving wife. Together they must survive car chases, shootouts and explosions long enough to expose both sides of the crime ring and bring decency back to the Los Angeles Police Department.

The Lowdown:
Not to be confused with the movie Last Man Standing starring Bruce Willis, also released the same year, this DTV Action film is made in typical PM Entertainment fashion. Which means it’s awesome! The plot follows similar themes of other Joseph Merhi films and it's good enough--our hero takes the law into his own hands which is what we want to see. Last Man Standing is fun. It’s quickly paced, the character’s are over the top and ridiculous. There’s a few jaw-dropping action scenes to give you stimulation overload--oh yeah, and boobs to keep you pervs satisfied. I would like to put it out there, that Kurt’s wife is not cute--but why not have an out-of-nowhere sex scene? No complaints here. This film features a lot of highway action including a black vs. red corvette chase and motorcycle vs. armored car. Turn your brain off and watch some cops get shot. The climax is hilarious too. Check it out. Highly recommended.


Yeah, they're probably not alive...

That's probably a good abdominal workout.


The glory days before CGI explosion. Sigh.

Things to Watch For:

0:02 – Explosion Alert!
0:03 – Explosion Alert! x3 Shit yeah!
0:06 – “Hotel clerk down. Get me an EMT!”
0:11 – Gratuitous Breasts & Love Making!
0:21 – “Be careful. A lot of flammable stuff around this place.”
0:23 – Explosion Alert!
0:36 – Smooth bike confiscation. Not.
0:37 – Explosion Alert! x4!! Way Cool.
0:41 – Explosion Alert! Shotgun, meet car.
0:55 – Holy Fuck Explosion Alert!!!! That’s awesome.
1:01 – Gratuitous Breast Shot!
1:06 – Gratuitous Strip Club Scene.
1:12 – Wife-Fu.
1:17 – Double Corvette Crash!
1:18 – I guess that wasn't just a sick joke.
1:31 – Freeze Frame Ending!


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Gold Raiders

1983 / 109min / UK-Thailand

“Goddamn first time in my life I’ve seen a flying motorcycle.”
-the communist army

The Plot:
A US plane carrying $200 million in gold is shot down in Thailand. Deployed to recover the gold is military-something-or-another-guy, Mark Banner who is teamed up with a beautiful-US-something, Cordelia as well as a couple “human decency loving” Thais. Together they are the secret army group code-named, The Gold Raiders. The evil Thai communist army, lead by a whip cracking commander complete with a wooden peg leg, gets word about the gold and the two parties race to find the downed plane. Out numbered ten to one to the Thai army, The Gold Raiders must rely on the wits of leader Mark Banner and, well, the military’s new secret weapon: a super-motorcycle that's protected by spaceship metal, flies, shoots rockets and, of course, has training wheels. After feirce battles with the communits and a large loss of life from both sides, Mark and company wonders about the price of war (?) after successfully recovering the gold but losing his "love" Cordelia.

The Lowdown:
The movie’s description sounds real promising. As does the fact that I failed to mention that the film has a rubber shark attack and giant fake plastic vampire bats. Overall though, Gold Raiders is indeed a bad movie that scrapes that bottom of the “so bad it’s good” barrel. It’s a terrible, long, clunking film. The lead actor isn’t very interesting, but he does have very terrible hair, which is a plus. Just as you start to sigh and roll your eyes, there’s a scene featuring the awesome Missile Motorcycle--which is the saving grace of the film. It’s a dirt bike with cheap plastic covering, missiles taped onto the handlebars and a bright orange tent contraption on top. Sound great? It is. I’m very happy to report that it’s in a good portion of the film. What's even better is when the tent-thingy opens up to a hang-glider, so the bike can fly around and instill fear into the communist army. That saves the picture friends. There are some teases of nudity and the most ridiculous sad anti-war out-of-nowhere ending I’ve ever seen. I thought this was trying to be the hippest action film ever. Nope, was totally wrong. It's a statement about what humanity has come to (in 1983). While I can't firmly say that it's a complete waste of time for Baction Film lovers, it comes close.


This is why you put money into weapons development!

I could watch this thing battle all day.

Glowing, haunting eyes, from a fuzzy, fearsome Vampire bat.

Things to Watch for:
0:01 – Explosion Alert! Good way to start.
0:03 – Karate fighting in a Speedo. Kinda.
0:31 – Explosion Alert!
0:36 – Explosion Alert! Black hawk done-zo.
0:37 – Fighting in Speedos: The Sequel.
0:38 – Explosion Alert! I think it’s recycled footage from before.
0:44 – “The first Missile Motorcycle” Thank God.
0:51 – Super Cycle rides a tight rope across a canyon.
0:52 – “I know that was a little difficult to believe friend.” No Shit.
0:58 – Explosion Alert!
1:01 – Musical Synth Sting. Ouch that hurt.
1:14 – Gratuitous Wet T-shirt & Swimming.
1:15 – No Chemistry + See-Through Shirt = Love
1:17 – Fake bat gets punched in the face. Priceless.
1:18 – Slumber Party. We’re apparently in fucking Jr. High tonight.
1:26 – Gratuitous Stripping for the greater good of the US!!!
1:27 – Explosion Alert! Missile Motorcycle Strikes!
1:29 – Explosion Alert! Missile Motorcycle Strikes 5 more times!!!!!
1:30 – Explosion Alert! RIP Super Cycle... RIP.
1:39 – Explosion Alert!
1:42 – The most tedious gold drop off/pick up ever.
1:45 – Explosion Alert! Holy cow.
1:49 – Wait. Sad, anti-war ending? No credits? Fine by me.

  • A few glowing reviews on IMDB make me think the film might be better with group and/or 3B viewing.
  • Very hard to find. Got mine through Shocking Videos.