Wednesday, June 28, 2006

1983 / 93min / Italy

"If it weren't for a flamethrower, I probably wouldn't of reviewed it."

The Plot & Lowdown:
The surface of earth has been unlivable since "the insensitivity of man finally triumphs". The year is 225 A.B. (after the bomb) and humans have lived underground ever since but a small fraction have the desire to live on the surface of earth and so our story centers around a traveling biker gang and their "night of terror" staying in an abandoned town. The Gang which features the stupidest humans on earth--with the coolest names, i.e. Lucifer, Torres, Video & Chocolate (the black girl), find a haven of food and fun in the town only to be outsmarted, terrorized and killed by mutated rats.

I'm going to have to stop there, because that is the idealized version of the plot. The reality is: the Bikers constantly talk of intelligent rats, which is never actually shown. This can be frustrated at times, entertaining at other. This is probably one of those "3B movies", a term given by a bad movie website, meaning after 3 Beers it's the greatest thing ever. I can see how this could be a great find for a group of friends killing time, because Rats is a terrible movie with awesome-bad dialogue & dubbing. The people in this movie are so stupid, it has to entertain. There's a point where a biker monologues about a "pack of rats" attacking his mother's "cave" and I could've wet myself. There could also be some essays on the film talking about Rats being film symbolizing a "world of fear." Because you never see the rats to anything other than crawl on things. In fact, the Biker gang is so terrified of rats, they don't even try to fend rats off, or run away--even though the leader carries a fucking Flamethrower!!! They come to the intelligent rat conclusion so fast, they don't even question it, just freak out (in terror of course). If you're looking for a typical bad action film this will disappoint. There is very little, if any action. In truth this review wouldn't be here except I took notes as I was watching it at work and I'm relaying it to you. There is very little here. At times, near the end, the movie drags, there is a thin line between frustrating & funny. There is a twist at the end, that amazes and almost makes everything worth watching. Director Bruno Mattei is known for making terrible, terrible movies (like Troll 2) and this is no, no, no different.

Screen Caps:

Tough Biker Gang from the future.

Meet the Italian Chuck Norris.

RATS can outsmart you (by chewing through your tires)!

RATS can break down doors!


RATS.... I'm as confused as you.

Things to Watch For:
0:04 - Hey, that's Chuck Norris!
0:09 - Way to waste that precious flour and offend the hell out of me.
0:17 - This girl should change careers, acting-no, prostitution-maybe.
0:21 - Flamethrower Alert!
0:24 - She copulating, much better at it than acting.
0:25 - Chuck Norris Fact: Only he can open zippers.
0:26 - Gratuidous PENIS Nudity Alert! Ruins anything else....
0:28 - Gratuidous Full Frontal Female Nudity Alert--
0:28 - Ahhh!!! Gratuidous PENIS Alert #2!!

0:35 - Where's Chuck Norris, Zipper Opener???

0:37 - Gratuidous Nudity Alert: Dead Breasts. Jesus folks, get it right.
0:38 - Flamethrower Alert!! P.S. That's not a stuntman....
0:42 - Flamethrower Alert!!!
0:48 - Hilarious Dialouge in 3... 2... 1...
0:55 - "I'm going to warm their wiskers."
0:58 - Is that a rotating wheel of fake rats? What is that?
1:11 - Chuck Norris Fact: If filled with rats, he will explode.
1:13 - Explosion Alert!
1:29 - I don't think rats would cause a door to crumble...

  • Not really a Baction Film.
  • Bruno Mattei also directed a movie called Shattered Dark or Terminator 2, which is supposedly a scene for scene rip off of Aliens. I'm in the works of obtaining a copy.
Class Of 1999
1990 / Color / 99min

“Implausible, laughable performances, but damn good fun.”
- some dude, imdb comment section

The Plot:
In the near future, the streets of Seattle have literally become war zones between rival gangs. Amidst the chaos is Kingston High School, surrounded by stonewalls, endless security guards (in riot gear) and metal detectors. Inside the school, as protected as it may be, it still suffers from the violence and drugs that plague the city streets. It’s a big day for KHS though. They have a new principal—Malcolm McDowell—who is willing to do what it takes to make the school a respectable institution it should be. Cue Dr. Bob Forrest a mysterious government scientist who introduces three “artificially created tactical education units” that will pose secretly as teachers. These cyborgs have been programmed to do only two things, teach students and discipline them. On the same morning, our main character Cody Culp is released from prison where he proceed to head directly to school. Cody’s ready to change his life around. He’s cast aside drugs and ganging. He’s a perfect blend of the two Corys, Feldman and Haim. The robot teachers meanwhile, find that there are a lot of “bad kids” at KHS. All of them in fact. Cody suspects something is amiss after almost being beaten to death by his gym teacher and witnessing his best friend’s neck being snapped. He enlists the help of the principal’s daughter (and love interest) to get to the bottom of the crazy teacher thing. The Cyborgs’ “ever-evolving program” has modified the teachers' objective to simply: rid the city of as many kids as possible and quickly. The teachers kidnap the principal’s daughter and kill Cody's brother making it look like the opposing gang, the Razorback, are the ones responsible. A lot of violence ensues until eventually the two gangs catch on to the fact they have been duped. The two groups unite to kill the teachers in a big action-packed, terminator-inspired battle before the school explodes. The end.

The Lowdown:
It would be unfair to call Class of 1999 a “bad action” movie. It’s actually quite competent and very entertaining. I’m surprised it’s not a popular cult classic. The violence in the movie is quite brutal, the atmosphere's dark, the cinematography gritty. While the acting is often terrible, the three teacher cyborgs make you forget all that because they're fun as hell to watch. Pam Grier is quite miscast playing, well, herself, Pam Grier: Robot with an additude. If you laugh off the obvious flaws of the film: if gang members ruled the city why would they go to school? And the fact that not a single kid is remotely believable as a gang member. As well as the much out-dated—yet hilarious—robot POV, you’re bound to find the movie pretty kick ass and be treated to some truly awesome special effects at the end.

Screen Caps:

Meet th three sweet-ass Cyborg Subs

In the future, you still can't take shotguns to school...

Robot POV!!!!!!

Me likey when teacher shoots rocket from arm.

Hmmmm. Yup. Creepy.

Things to Watch For:
0:07 - Explosion Alert!
0:08 - “Looks like Hector’s going to be late to School.”
0:15 - Robot POV - Punishment Options Menu: Come on! Select Karate moves!
0:15 - The Gang Leaders only weakness? Stomping on his foot.
0:20 - Spanking in the classroom. Way to instill fear teach.
0:37 - Dance clubs in 1999, where teens randomly fire guns for no reason.
0:39 - Gang members drinking juice boxes. Stay classy Seattle.
0:52 - 2 Days, 2 dead brothers. Cody takes it pretty darn well.
0:54 - Explosion Alert 1!
0:55 - Explosion Alert 2!
0:56 - Explosion Alert 3! Bye-bye building.
0:57 - Explosion Alert 4! Too many to keep track of the past 4mins...
0:58 - Dude, the history teacher just tore that guy in half!
1:03 - “You trust him?” “Yeah. Like a vampire giving a blowjob.”
1:08 - “Now I’m going in there to waste some teachers. Are you with me?
1:08 - Explosion Alert!
1:11 - Ewwwwww. (and then) Flame-Thrower Alert!!!!
1:12 - Explosion Alert!
1:13 - Exlposion Alert 2! Damn that was awesome!
1:16 - Flamer-Thrower Alert!
1:18 - Explosion Alert! + 1liner: “I guess I blew that course.”
1:18 - BONUS 1-LINER!!!! “Where’s Conners?” “She’s toast!”
(I’m spent folks. Really. You can’t top that.)
1:22 - Okay. That’s pretty creepy. And cool.

  • A semi sequal/futurist remake of Class of 1984
  • Not available on DVD. You can get a korean bootleg though on ebay.
  • Dave and I orginally watched the sequel Class of 1999 part 2 because it starred Nick Cassavettes (my former boss) and Cody from Step by Step. It's a bad, bad action movie.