Friday, July 21, 2006

aka One Man's Justice
100min / 1995

Bosworth Baction

The Plot:

The Boz is John North a military officer with a loving wife and daughter. That is until, his family witnesses a crime in progress and are heartlessly killed by a man named Pony. The Boz is shot twice and left for dead. It’s not enough and after he wakes up from a coma six weeks later, it’s bad news for the bad guys. John North has nothing to lose. The crime (if you were wondering) was a heisting of a new military proto-type guns and ammo. A twist happens where the bad guys get the guns stolen from them by another set of anonymous, not really worth mentioning bad guys. So Pony and his bad guy boss Karl have the proto-type ammo but not the proto-type guns so both halves are useless without the other. Karl, the mastermind bad guy, complete with nose piercing and long hair, just “happens” to be an FBI agent and plans to sell the guns to a bad-ass drug lord played by MC ‘freakin’ Hammer!!! The minute the Boz meets Karl he knows he’s crooked and spends the rest of the movie tracking down the ammo before the other interested parties with the help of a good hearted but involved with a street gang, 13-year-old black kid.

The Lowdown:

Say what you will with my love of Brian Bozworth and all, I liked this flick a lot more than I should’ve. It’s a little short on action. Below, as you can see, there’s only one Explosion Alert and that’s never a good thing. That being said, the dialogue in this movie is AMAZING.

MC Hammer: “Don’t you realize the only way you ever gonna
talk again is through one of them straight-up psychic bitches?”

Response: “Then I guess I’ll be able to tell you all how your
fat black mamma is suckin my dick in hell.”

The real fun of the film is the 13-year-old boy storyline. It’s rather hard to take a 13-year-old boy seriously as it is, much less believing him as a gangster carting around cocaine, heroin and guns. I couldn't get enough of that. The Boz (sans mullet) looks kinda like he’s channeling Viggo Mortenson and is rather subdued in his preformance, but the FBI demon looking bad guy does his part for the Baction genre. At one point he’s talking on the phone and writes down KILL MARCUS on his notepad in his FBI office, as if he’s going to forget! I know you're asking about MC Hammer. You should be asking “Why does MC Hammer want the guns?” ….so he can mow down the feds at an annual softball game between the FBI department and the DA office!!!!!


I know what you're thinking and you're right:
This pic was taken before The Boz's wife and daughter were killed.

I've never met an FBI agent that didn't look like this.

Visual evidence of a bad-ass.

MC Hammer, before he found God.
(that guy has a plastic bag over his head and is dead.)
(get it?)

In case it slips your mind...

Not really sure if this is classified as a flame-thrower.

Even the catcher brings his gun to the FBI/DA softball game.

Things To Watch For:
0:08 - ‘Fall out.’ Emphasis on fall.
0:15 - “You follow Mohammad Ali doncha?
You don’t dance that well.” Bang!
0:17 - “Citibank don’t wait. Nor do I.” Bang!
0:23 - “You’re going to be in my dog and pony show
until the pony dies, Pony.”
0:25 - I guess the FBI is hiring Satan’s pilgrims…
0:31 - He just happens to have one ‘trial’ kilo of coke lyin’ around?
0:31 - Damn, the streets of LA are super harsh!
0:49 - Mikey is the gansta shit.
0:53 - Pre-Bozworth Ass-Whooping:
“911… I’m going to need 5 ambulances right away.”
1:00 - Explosion Alert!! Finally. It’s worth the wait.
1:10 - The only way to open a trunk.
1:13 - “It’s illegal to be driving dead sir.” Bang!
1:22 - Double steal!
1:23 - “Lets kill some cops.” Music to my ears.
1:26 - Heroin looks exactly like cocaine…
1:28 – “Not until the fat lady sings pony and I’m the fat lady pony.”
1:35 - Nut job—that’s my pun!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

92 min / 1991
Genre: Biker Baction

The Plot:
FBI convinces a rogue Alabama cop, played by the amazing Brian Bosworth, to infiltrate The Brotherhood, a bikers gang who are on a religious killing spree. As if that did make them evil enough, the gang is teaming up with the Italian mafia to traffic drugs throughout the United States. The Boz, (under the name John Stone) seamlessly joins The Brotherhood by kicking ass at a strip club, then kicking ass at a biker rally, then Cutting off the ear of a bad guy that betrayed the gang--Don’t fret, the Boz is a good guy, the FBI pulled some shenanigans by giving him a corpses ear, so he didn’t actually do it... In the background of all that action, is an ongoing murder trial for one of the Brotherhoods member. The Mayor wants to send a message to the bikers and demands that the death penalty be given. He also calls in the National Guard to bring some order to the south. Pressures mount. The Brotherhood's leader, Chains, becomes a more murderous in his religious fanaticism. The Boz meanwhile, attempts to setup the gang and mob in one big set piece which fails, and blows his cover. The film’s finale involves Chains dressing up as a priest, blowing away Supreme Court members inside a courthouse and The Boz stepping in and kicking some serious ass.

The Lowdown:
Right at the beginning, from the over the top criminals that the Boz takes out effortlessly to the even more over the top biker gang rally, you get hints that Stone Cold might be the best movie ever. Granted, I admit that I am somewhat biased. Being a Seattle Seahawk fan and a Bad Action movie lover, this is the perfect film for me. The biker leader is played by a Willie Nelson looking Lance Hendrickson, who is just having too much fun with the part. You have more than a fair share of mullets, tight jeans, naked women, confederate flags and most importantly, exploding shit! The middle of the film gets a little bogged down in plot but you’ve got the Boz in all of his heart stopping glory, so it’s easy to forgive. The final scene is so freakin’ awesome, you wonder why this film isn’t on DVD!!! Bikers ride around the courthouse and, in what is probably the best stunt ever captured on film, a MOTORCYCLE FLIES THROUGH A COURTHOUSE WINDOW INTO HELICOPTER!!!!! And things go BOOM! You have not lived until you witness that scene.

Screen Caps:

The Boz: In Undercover Biker Gang Member mode.

Willie Nelson: Biker Gang Leader

The Most Dangerous (and supportive) Gang in the South!

Fake Priest, Real shooting.

That's a burnt corpse, not Ghost Rider.

This is the most amazing thing ever captured on film!

I don't have anything witty to say here.
I just wanted to see The Boz one last time...

Things to Watch For:

0:01 - Random shooting of Ritz crackers!
0:03 - More random shooting, this time against orange soda.
0:05 - Blowing away a priest via shotgun through Stained Glass Window.
0:05 - Explosion Alert!
0:06 - Explosion Alert!
0:11 - Gratuitous Semi-Nudity
0:12 - Gratuitous Strip Club Nudity
(Bonus! club is called Tit for Tat)
0:23 - Gratuitous Outdoor Showering Nudity
0:25 - Gratuitous Old Lady Biker Nudity
0:28 - “I will peel your skin off with a knife dipped in shit”
0:35 - Explosion alert!!! Mafia Hit!
0:47 - “I need a new bitch.”
“Why don’t you take one of my old ladies?”
0:54 - Explosion Alert!
0:55 - That Biker is so mean it’s comical
0:56 - Explosion Alert! Biker goes bye-bye.
1:00 - Wave your guns in the air and shoot em like you just don’t care
1:09 - Holy Shit Explosion Alert!
1:12 - Holy Shit. I did not see that coming!!!
1:18 - Explosion Alert! Whoa!
1:18 - Double Whoa! Fake Priest gunning down the Supreme Court!
1:19 - “I think of my fathers last words which were ‘don’t son that gun is loaded!’
1:22 - Explosion Alert! Shotgun vs. Motorcycle.
1:24 - The HOLYIST OF ALL Explosion Alerts!
1:27 - Quite possibly the coolest ending shot ever…
1:29 - …into a Freeze Frame Ending!!!!!

  • Not on DVD except by bootleg. I recommend you get one though. My copy was of really good quality.
  • The Boz was nominated for a Razzie for this film. Totally undeserved.