RIOT
100min / 1997



It’s Christmas Eve and riots in the downtown LA have turned the area into a brutal, lawless, anarchist warzone. The British Ambassador’s daughter, in the wrong limo at the wrong time, is kidnapped and held for ransom by Shy Boy, leader of the 3rd Street Cripps gang. Enter Shane Alcott (Gary Daniels from Rage) an SAS officer who has been summoned with a simple mission: He has two hours to get to the drop site, exchange a suitcase with $2 million dollars for the girl and get her out of riot zone safely. Sound dangerous? It is. Why would Alcott be willing to do that? He's in love with the captured girl, of course! (She’s a model… and they want to get married.) Alcott must battles a couple of biker gangs, a hocking team sporting sticks, a baseball team sporting bats along the way only to find out it’s all been a part of a diabolical scheme by—wait for it—The IRA!!!! Using the riots as a cover, the IRA teamed up with the Cripps to capture the British Ambassador’s daughter to extract revenge on the British—on American soil! Sound ridiculous? It is! The IRA, sporting bad moustaches and berets, are a welcomed addition to the foul-mouthed, uzi toting gang members. Alcott and his love, manage to escape, he kills the bad guys and they learn the real meaning of Christmas all before the night is over.

THE LOWDOWN:
When a movie entitled Riot has its first shot of crazed black people rioting, you’re not going to be asking for your money back. Riot delivers on its one-word title instantly. Director Joseph Merhi (Last Man Standing, Rage) strays from his usual one man out for justice/corrupt cop storyline to give us this little flick that stars Gary “Australian kickboxing extraordinaire” Daniels, as a British officer. (If you’re hung up on a little hiccup like a Limey playing a Brit, then this movie is not for you.) The thing that Merhi and PM Entertainment does well with its DTV titles is this: it moves quick. The story is what it is and it breezes by to make way for action. And by action we mean glass shattering and stuff exploding. Everything’s in your face and nothing’s subtle, whether it’s a flashback or trying to show the hero is a good guy or the bad guy’s a bad guy, it’s very direct. The Hero, Alcott, starts the movie by saving the kids next door from a fire and makes them dinner. The Bad Guy shoots a girl in the face then pulls out a rocket launcher. Then, once you know who is who, a fight scene happens. It’s simple, but goddammit it works. The performances vary. The gang members and IRA guys are way over the top but the good guys put on decent performances given the small amount of material they’re given. I like Gary Daniels. He’s easy on the eyes, has an endearing accent and is great at playing the nice Aussie that will kick ass for the good guys… I have been real hesitant to watch this movie over the past few months—even if it is made by Joseph Merhi—mainly because of the DVD cover art. It makes it look like the film is 90 minutes of Gary Daniels and Sugar Ray Leonard street-fighting. Thankfully, this is not so (maybe that would make a good movie, who knows, I just watch the things). Sugar Ray Leonard? You ask. Yes. And we come to one of the setbacks of the film: Shuugie. He’s barely in the film. Which is a shame really. He’s a nice counterpart to Daniels and they are both extremely loveable. But poor Shuugie. He barely gets any screen time and then dies, falling to his death by slipping out a Michael Jackson-like glove on the edge of a building. All while gang members are on the ground rooting for him to do just that. And then the Cripps leader cheers when he goes splat. It’s sad. …or hilarious if you’re a sick bastard. Mr. Sugar Ray Leonard, also playing a British soldier is just not represented well giving the way he’s portrayed in the DVD’s already deceiving cover… Anyways, if you can track down Riot are willing to fork over the $4-6.99 it should cost, you should find it worth the investment. Especially if it approaching the holiday season. I can’t think of anything better to do in the LA area then snuggling to a warm, unnecessary fire and popping in Riot.

SCREEN CAPS:

Hockey Gang Fight (with Ref!)


I think every movie needs to have at least one scene with guy and girl running from an explosion. That'd get me into the theatre to see a romantic comedy.




Baseball team carries bats and fights ex-boxers.


Sugar Ray Leonard is not flying like a butterfly.

BY THE NUMBERS:
0:04 – Rioters: people that wave sticks in the air.
0:05 - Whoa---That guy’s playing the same character from RAGE.

My mind is FUCKING Blown.

0:13- A baseball team, that just so happens to each be carrying a bat.
0:15 – What’s with all this Christmas music already? A Xmas Rap!??!
0:17 – Okay. Awesome! Permission to rap way granted.
0:19 – Alfred? The Butler’s name is Alfred?
0:29 – Hockey Team Attack! + Ref
0:32 – Death by Christmas Lights
0:35 – “God gives you salvation, but he don’t give you

no fucking Mercedes.”

0:38 – Explosion Alert! Times 7!
0:39 – Rocket Launcher Explosion Alert!
0:51 – Return of the Rocket Launcher
0:51 – Moderately bad—okay, Terrible CGI.
0:52 – Explosion Alert!
0:55 – Enter IRA & plot twist
0:56 – “This whole thing is beginning to make sense now.” WHAT!?!
1:02 – Explosion Alert!
1:04 – Explosion Alert!
1:17 – Ghost Rider (Flaming man & motor biker alert!)
1:21 – IRA man on fire. That jacket is so hottt!

1:32 –

“The lessons from the first Christmas
are as relevant as they ever were before.
That the sword must give way to the plow sheer.”
Sure... that wraps it up…

ONE TOUGH BASTARD
aka One Man's Justice
100min / 1995
Bosworth Baction



The Plot:
The Boz is John North a military officer with a loving wife and daughter. That is until, his family witnesses a crime in progress and are heartlessly killed by a man named Pony. The Boz is shot twice and left for dead. It’s not enough and after he wakes up from a coma six weeks later, it’s bad news for the bad guys. John North has nothing to lose. The crime (if you were wondering) was a heisting of a new military proto-type guns and ammo. A twist happens where the bad guys get the guns stolen from them by another set of anonymous, not really worth mentioning bad guys. So Pony and his bad guy boss Karl have the proto-type ammo but not the proto-type guns so both halves are useless without the other. Karl, the mastermind bad guy, complete with nose piercing and long hair, just “happens” to be an FBI agent and plans to sell the guns to a bad-ass drug lord played by MC ‘freakin’ Hammer!!! The minute the Boz meets Karl he knows he’s crooked and spends the rest of the movie tracking down the ammo before the other interested parties with the help of a good hearted but involved with a street gang, 13-year-old black kid.

The Lowdown:
Say what you will with my love of Brian Bozworth and all, I liked this flick a lot more than I should’ve. It’s a little short on action. Below, as you can see, there’s only one Explosion Alert and that’s never a good thing. That being said, the dialogue in this movie is AMAZING.

Example:
MC Hammer: “Don’t you realize the only way you ever gonna
talk again is through one of them straight-up psychic bitches?”

Response: “Then I guess I’ll be able to tell you all how your
fat black mamma is suckin my dick in hell.”

The real fun of the film is the 13-year-old boy storyline. It’s rather hard to take a 13-year-old boy seriously as it is, much less believing him as a gangster carting around cocaine, heroin and guns. I couldn't get enough of that. The Boz (sans mullet) looks kinda like he’s channeling Viggo Mortenson and is rather subdued in his preformance, but the FBI demon looking bad guy does his part for the Baction genre. At one point he’s talking on the phone and writes down KILL MARCUS on his notepad in his FBI office, as if he’s going to forget! I know you're asking about MC Hammer. You should be asking “Why does MC Hammer want the guns?” ….so he can mow down the feds at an annual softball game between the FBI department and the DA office!!!!!

SCREEN CAPS:

I know what you're thinking and you're right:
This pic was taken before The Boz's wife and daughter were killed.


I've never met an FBI agent that didn't look like this.


Visual evidence of a bad-ass.


MC Hammer, before he found God.
(that guy has a plastic bag over his head and is dead.)
(get it?)


In case it slips your mind...


Not really sure if this is classified as a flame-thrower.


Even the catcher brings his gun to the FBI/DA softball game.

Things To Watch For:
0:08 - ‘Fall out.’ Emphasis on fall.
0:15 - “You follow Mohammad Ali doncha?

You don’t dance that well.” Bang!

0:17 - “Citibank don’t wait. Nor do I.” Bang!
0:23 - “You’re going to be in my dog and pony show

until the pony dies, Pony.”

0:25 - I guess the FBI is hiring Satan’s pilgrims…
0:31 - He just happens to have one ‘trial’ kilo of coke lyin’ around?
0:31 - Damn, the streets of LA are super harsh!
0:49 - Mikey is the gansta shit.
0:53 - Pre-Bozworth Ass-Whooping:

“911… I’m going to need 5 ambulances right away.”

1:00 - Explosion Alert!! Finally. It’s worth the wait.
1:10 - The only way to open a trunk.
1:13 - “It’s illegal to be driving dead sir.” Bang!
1:22 - Double steal!
1:23 - “Lets kill some cops.” Music to my ears.
1:26 - Heroin looks exactly like cocaine…
1:28 – “Not until the fat lady sings pony and I’m the fat lady pony.”
1:35 - Nut job—that’s my pun!

STONE COLD
92 min / 1991
Genre: Biker Baction

The Plot:
FBI convinces a rogue Alabama cop, played by the amazing Brian Bosworth, to infiltrate The Brotherhood, a bikers gang who are on a religious killing spree. As if that did make them evil enough, the gang is teaming up with the Italian mafia to traffic drugs throughout the United States. The Boz, (under the name John Stone) seamlessly joins The Brotherhood by kicking ass at a strip club, then kicking ass at a biker rally, then Cutting off the ear of a bad guy that betrayed the gang--Don’t fret, the Boz is a good guy, the FBI pulled some shenanigans by giving him a corpses ear, so he didn’t actually do it... In the background of all that action, is an ongoing murder trial for one of the Brotherhoods member. The Mayor wants to send a message to the bikers and demands that the death penalty be given. He also calls in the National Guard to bring some order to the south. Pressures mount. The Brotherhood's leader, Chains, becomes a more murderous in his religious fanaticism. The Boz meanwhile, attempts to setup the gang and mob in one big set piece which fails, and blows his cover. The film’s finale involves Chains dressing up as a priest, blowing away Supreme Court members inside a courthouse and The Boz stepping in and kicking some serious ass.

The Lowdown:
Right at the beginning, from the over the top criminals that the Boz takes out effortlessly to the even more over the top biker gang rally, you get hints that Stone Cold might be the best movie ever. Granted, I admit that I am somewhat biased. Being a Seattle Seahawk fan and a Bad Action movie lover, this is the perfect film for me. The biker leader is played by a Willie Nelson looking Lance Hendrickson, who is just having too much fun with the part. You have more than a fair share of mullets, tight jeans, naked women, confederate flags and most importantly, exploding shit! The middle of the film gets a little bogged down in plot but you’ve got the Boz in all of his heart stopping glory, so it’s easy to forgive. The final scene is so freakin’ awesome, you wonder why this film isn’t on DVD!!! Bikers ride around the courthouse and, in what is probably the best stunt ever captured on film, a MOTORCYCLE FLIES THROUGH A COURTHOUSE WINDOW INTO HELICOPTER!!!!! And things go BOOM! You have not lived until you witness that scene.

Screen Caps:

The Boz: In Undercover Biker Gang Member mode.


Willie Nelson: Biker Gang Leader


The Most Dangerous (and supportive) Gang in the South!


Fake Priest, Real shooting.


That's a burnt corpse, not Ghost Rider.


This is the most amazing thing ever captured on film!


I don't have anything witty to say here.
I just wanted to see The Boz one last time...

Things to Watch For:
0:01 - Random shooting of Ritz crackers!
0:03 - More random shooting, this time against orange soda.
0:05 - Blowing away a priest via shotgun through Stained Glass Window.
0:05 - Explosion Alert!
0:06 - Explosion Alert!
0:11 - Gratuitous Semi-Nudity
0:12 - Gratuitous Strip Club Nudity

(Bonus! club is called Tit for Tat)

0:23 - Gratuitous Outdoor Showering Nudity
0:25 - Gratuitous Old Lady Biker Nudity
0:28 - “I will peel your skin off with a knife dipped in shit”
0:35 - Explosion alert!!! Mafia Hit!
0:47 - “I need a new bitch.”

“Why don’t you take one of my old ladies?”

0:54 - Explosion Alert!
0:55 - That Biker is so mean it’s comical
0:56 - Explosion Alert! Biker goes bye-bye.
1:00 - Wave your guns in the air and shoot em like you just don’t care
1:09 - Holy Shit Explosion Alert!
1:12 - Holy Shit. I did not see that coming!!!
1:18 - Explosion Alert! Whoa!
1:18 - Double Whoa! Fake Priest gunning down the Supreme Court!
1:19 - “I think of my fathers last words which were ‘don’t son that gun is loaded!’”
1:22 - Explosion Alert! Shotgun vs. Motorcycle.
1:24 - The HOLYIST OF ALL Explosion Alerts!
1:27 - Quite possibly the coolest ending shot ever…
1:29 - …into a Freeze Frame Ending!!!!!

Notes:

• Not on DVD except by bootleg. I recommend you get one though. My copy was of really good quality.
• The Boz was nominated for a Razzie for this film. Totally undeserved.
  

RATS: A NIGHT OF TERROR
1983 / 93min / Italy

"If it weren't for a flamethrower, I probably wouldn't of reviewed it."
-Me

The Plot & Lowdown:
The surface of earth has been unlivable since "the insensitivity of man finally triumphs". The year is 225 A.B. (after the bomb) and humans have lived underground ever since but a small fraction have the desire to live on the surface of earth and so our story centers around a traveling biker gang and their "night of terror" staying in an abandoned town. The Gang which features the stupidest humans on earth--with the coolest names, i.e. Lucifer, Torres, Video & Chocolate (the black girl), find a haven of food and fun in the town only to be outsmarted, terrorized and killed by mutated rats.

I'm going to have to stop there, because that is the idealized version of the plot. The reality is: the Bikers constantly talk of intelligent rats, which is never actually shown. This can be frustrated at times, entertaining at other. This is probably one of those "3B movies", a term given by a bad movie website, meaning after 3 Beers it's the greatest thing ever. I can see how this could be a great find for a group of friends killing time, because Rats is a terrible movie with awesome-bad dialogue & dubbing. The people in this movie are so stupid, it has to entertain. There's a point where a biker monologues about a "pack of rats" attacking his mother's "cave" and I could've wet myself. There could also be some essays on the film talking about Rats being film symbolizing a "world of fear." Because you never see the rats to anything other than crawl on things. In fact, the Biker gang is so terrified of rats, they don't even try to fend rats off, or run away--even though the leader carries a fucking Flamethrower!!! They come to the intelligent rat conclusion so fast, they don't even question it, just freak out (in terror of course). If you're looking for a typical bad action film this will disappoint. There is very little, if any action. In truth this review wouldn't be here except I took notes as I was watching it at work and I'm relaying it to you. There is very little here. At times, near the end, the movie drags, there is a thin line between frustrating & funny. There is a twist at the end, that amazes and almost makes everything worth watching. Director Bruno Mattei is known for making terrible, terrible movies (like Troll 2) and this is no, no, no different.

Screen Caps:

Tough Biker Gang from the future.

Meet the Italian Chuck Norris.

RATS can outsmart you (by chewing through your tires)!


RATS can break down doors!


RATS can KILL YOU!


RATS.... I'm as confused as you.

Things to Watch For:
0:04 - Hey, that's Chuck Norris!
0:09 - Way to waste that precious flour and offend the hell out of me.
0:17 - This girl should change careers, acting-no, prostitution-maybe.
0:21 - Flamethrower Alert!
0:24 - She copulating, much better at it than acting.
0:25 - Chuck Norris Fact: Only he can open zippers.
0:26 - Gratuidous PENIS Nudity Alert! Ruins anything else....
0:28 - Gratuidous Full Frontal Female Nudity Alert--
0:28 - Ahhh!!! Gratuidous PENIS Alert #2!!
0:35 - Where's Chuck Norris, Zipper Opener???
0:37 - Gratuidous Nudity Alert: Dead Breasts. Jesus folks, get it right.
0:38 - Flamethrower Alert!! P.S. That's not a stuntman....
0:42 - Flamethrower Alert!!!
0:48 - Hilarious Dialouge in 3... 2... 1...
0:55 - "I'm going to warm their wiskers."
0:58 - Is that a rotating wheel of fake rats? What is that?
1:11 - Chuck Norris Fact: If filled with rats, he will explode.
1:13 - Explosion Alert!
1:29 - I don't think rats would cause a door to crumble...
1:35 - AHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Oh, amazing.

NOTES:

• Not really a Baction Film.
• Bruno Mattei also directed a movie called Shattered Dark or Terminator 2, which is supposedly a scene for scene rip off of Aliens. I'm in the works of obtaining a copy.

Class Of 1999
1990 / Color / 99min

“Implausible, laughable performances, but damn good fun.”
- some dude, imdb comment section

The Plot:
In the near future, the streets of Seattle have literally become war zones between rival gangs. Amidst the chaos is Kingston High School, surrounded by stonewalls, endless security guards (in riot gear) and metal detectors. Inside the school, as protected as it may be, it still suffers from the violence and drugs that plague the city streets. It’s a big day for KHS though. They have a new principal—Malcolm McDowell—who is willing to do what it takes to make the school a respectable institution it should be. Cue Dr. Bob Forrest a mysterious government scientist who introduces three “artificially created tactical education units” that will pose secretly as teachers. These cyborgs have been programmed to do only two things, teach students and discipline them. On the same morning, our main character Cody Culp is released from prison where he proceed to head directly to school. Cody’s ready to change his life around. He’s cast aside drugs and ganging. He’s a perfect blend of the two Corys, Feldman and Haim. The robot teachers meanwhile, find that there are a lot of “bad kids” at KHS. All of them in fact. Cody suspects something is amiss after almost being beaten to death by his gym teacher and witnessing his best friend’s neck being snapped. He enlists the help of the principal’s daughter (and love interest) to get to the bottom of the crazy teacher thing. The Cyborgs’ “ever-evolving program” has modified the teachers' objective to simply: rid the city of as many kids as possible and quickly. The teachers kidnap the principal’s daughter and kill Cody's brother making it look like the opposing gang, the Razorback, are the ones responsible. A lot of violence ensues until eventually the two gangs catch on to the fact they have been duped. The two groups unite to kill the teachers in a big action-packed, terminator-inspired battle before the school explodes. The end.

The Lowdown:
It would be unfair to call Class of 1999 a “bad action” movie. It’s actually quite competent and very entertaining. I’m surprised it’s not a popular cult classic. The violence in the movie is quite brutal, the atmosphere's dark, the cinematography gritty. While the acting is often terrible, the three teacher cyborgs make you forget all that because they're fun as hell to watch. Pam Grier is quite miscast playing, well, herself, Pam Grier: Robot with an additude. If you laugh off the obvious flaws of the film: if gang members ruled the city why would they go to school? And the fact that not a single kid is remotely believable as a gang member. As well as the much out-dated—yet hilarious—robot POV, you’re bound to find the movie pretty kick ass and be treated to some truly awesome special effects at the end.

Screen Caps:

Meet th three sweet-ass Cyborg Subs

In the future, you still can't take shotguns to school...

Robot POV!!!!!!

Me likey when teacher shoots rocket from arm.

Hmmmm. Yup. Creepy.

Things to Watch For:
0:07 - Explosion Alert!
0:08 - “Looks like Hector’s going to be late to School.”
0:15 - Robot POV - Punishment Options Menu: Come on! Select Karate moves!
0:15 - The Gang Leaders only weakness? Stomping on his foot.
0:20 - Spanking in the classroom. Way to instill fear teach.
0:37 - Dance clubs in 1999, where teens randomly fire guns for no reason.
0:39 - Gang members drinking juice boxes. Stay classy Seattle.
0:52 - 2 Days, 2 dead brothers. Cody takes it pretty darn well.
0:54 - Explosion Alert 1!
0:55 - Explosion Alert 2!
0:56 - Explosion Alert 3! Bye-bye building.
0:57 - Explosion Alert 4! Too many to keep track of the past 4mins...
0:58 - Dude, the history teacher just tore that guy in half!
1:03 - “You trust him?” “Yeah. Like a vampire giving a blowjob.”
1:08 - “Now I’m going in there to waste some teachers. Are you with me?”
1:08 - Explosion Alert!
1:11 - Ewwwwww. (and then) Flame-Thrower Alert!!!!
1:12 - Explosion Alert!
1:13 - Exlposion Alert 2! Damn that was awesome!
1:16 - Flamer-Thrower Alert!
1:18 - Explosion Alert! + 1liner: “I guess I blew that course.”
1:18 - BONUS 1-LINER!!!! “Where’s Conners?” “She’s toast!”
1:20 - DOUBLE EXLOSION ALERT!
(I’m spent folks. Really. You can’t top that.)
1:22 - Okay. That’s pretty creepy. And cool.

NOTES:

• A semi sequal/futurist remake of Class of 1984
• Not available on DVD. You can get a korean bootleg though on ebay.
  
• Dave and I orginally watched the sequel Class of 1999 part 2 because it starred Nick Cassavettes (my former boss) and Cody from Step by Step. It's a bad, bad action movie.
  

Last Man Standing
1996 / 96 mins

"Please Snake--"


"That's Mr. Underwood to you!"




The Plot:
Officer Kurt Belmore is a good cop who, may dress tacky and break the rules here and there, but it’s only to capture bad guys and put them behind bars. Bad guys like Snake Underwood, a notorious bank robber (pictured above). Belmore’s superior officer Seagrove does not like or approve of Kurt’s methods to catch Snake. He's got good reason—the two are in cahoots. Snake robs the banks and the police turn a blind eye for a cut of the cash. Belmore gets suspicious, but isn’t sure until Seagrove “accidently” kills his partner in a hostage situation. Kurt takes some time off to recover from the incident, that is until his wife—a bank vice president—is robbed by Snake. That drives Kurt over the edge. Something’s more than fishy. He fucking caught Snake yesterday. Why is he not in jail? Kurt’s pissed and is ready to openly accuse Seagrove of being dirty. The bosses say take it to Internal Affairs. Guess what? I.A. is dirty too. They try to kill him!! Is every cop in LA crooked? Yes. Is every cop on the force trying to kill him? Yes. Kurt can’t trust anybody but his loving wife. Together they must survive car chases, shootouts and explosions long enough to expose both sides of the crime ring and bring decency back to the Los Angeles Police Department.

The Lowdown:
Not to be confused with the movie Last Man Standing starring Bruce Willis, also released the same year, this DTV Action film is made in typical PM Entertainment fashion. Which means it’s awesome! The plot follows similar themes of other Joseph Merhi films and it's good enough--our hero takes the law into his own hands which is what we want to see. Last Man Standing is fun. It’s quickly paced, the character’s are over the top and ridiculous. There’s a few jaw-dropping action scenes to give you stimulation overload--oh yeah, and boobs to keep you pervs satisfied. I would like to put it out there, that Kurt’s wife is not cute--but why not have an out-of-nowhere sex scene? No complaints here. This film features a lot of highway action including a black vs. red corvette chase and motorcycle vs. armored car. Turn your brain off and watch some cops get shot. The climax is hilarious too. Check it out. Highly recommended.

SCREEN CAPS:

Yeah, they're probably not alive...


That's probably a good abdominal workout.


T-What?


The glory days before CGI explosion. Sigh.

Things to Watch For:
0:02 – Explosion Alert!
0:03 – Explosion Alert! x3 Shit yeah!
0:06 – “Hotel clerk down. Get me an EMT!”
0:11 – Gratuitous Breasts & Love Making!
0:21 – “Be careful. A lot of flammable stuff around this place.”
0:23 – Explosion Alert!
0:36 – Smooth bike confiscation. Not.
0:37 – Explosion Alert! x4!! Way Cool.
0:41 – Explosion Alert! Shotgun, meet car.
0:55 – Holy Fuck Explosion Alert!!!! That’s awesome.
1:01 – Gratuitous Breast Shot!
1:06 – Gratuitous Strip Club Scene.
1:12 – Wife-Fu.
1:17 – Double Corvette Crash!
1:18 – I guess that wasn't just a sick joke.
1:31 – Freeze Frame Ending!

Notes:

• Need a second opinion? Check this out. We chose similar screen grabs.
  

Gold Raiders
1983 / 109min / UK-Thailand

“Goddamn first time in my life I’ve seen a flying motorcycle.”
-the communist army

The Plot:
A US plane carrying $200 million in gold is shot down in Thailand. Deployed to recover the gold is military-something-or-another-guy, Mark Banner who is teamed up with a beautiful-US-something, Cordelia as well as a couple “human decency loving” Thais. Together they are the secret army group code-named, The Gold Raiders. The evil Thai communist army, lead by a whip cracking commander complete with a wooden peg leg, gets word about the gold and the two parties race to find the downed plane. Out numbered ten to one to the Thai army, The Gold Raiders must rely on the wits of leader Mark Banner and, well, the military’s new secret weapon: a super-motorcycle that's protected by spaceship metal, flies, shoots rockets and, of course, has training wheels. After feirce battles with the communits and a large loss of life from both sides, Mark and company wonders about the price of war (?) after successfully recovering the gold but losing his "love" Cordelia.

The Lowdown:
The movie’s description sounds real promising. As does the fact that I failed to mention that the film has a rubber shark attack and giant fake plastic vampire bats. Overall though, Gold Raiders is indeed a bad movie that scrapes that bottom of the “so bad it’s good” barrel. It’s a terrible, long, clunking film. The lead actor isn’t very interesting, but he does have very terrible hair, which is a plus. Just as you start to sigh and roll your eyes, there’s a scene featuring the awesome Missile Motorcycle--which is the saving grace of the film. It’s a dirt bike with cheap plastic covering, missiles taped onto the handlebars and a bright orange tent contraption on top. Sound great? It is. I’m very happy to report that it’s in a good portion of the film. What's even better is when the tent-thingy opens up to a hang-glider, so the bike can fly around and instill fear into the communist army. That saves the picture friends. There are some teases of nudity and the most ridiculous sad anti-war out-of-nowhere ending I’ve ever seen. I thought this was trying to be the hippest action film ever. Nope, was totally wrong. It's a statement about what humanity has come to (in 1983). While I can't firmly say that it's a complete waste of time for Baction Film lovers, it comes close.

SCREEN CAPS:

This is why you put money into weapons development!


I could watch this thing battle all day.


Glowing, haunting eyes, from a fuzzy, fearsome Vampire bat.

Things to Watch for:
0:01 – Explosion Alert! Good way to start.
0:03 – Karate fighting in a Speedo. Kinda.
0:31 – Explosion Alert!
0:36 – Explosion Alert! Black hawk done-zo.
0:37 – Fighting in Speedos: The Sequel.
0:38 – Explosion Alert! I think it’s recycled footage from before.
0:44 – “The first Missile Motorcycle” Thank God.
0:51 – Super Cycle rides a tight rope across a canyon.
0:52 – “I know that was a little difficult to believe friend.” No Shit.
0:58 – Explosion Alert!
1:01 – Musical Synth Sting. Ouch that hurt.
1:14 – Gratuitous Wet T-shirt & Swimming.
1:15 – No Chemistry + See-Through Shirt = Love
1:17 – Fake bat gets punched in the face. Priceless.
1:18 – Slumber Party. We’re apparently in fucking Jr. High tonight.
1:26 – Gratuitous Stripping for the greater good of the US!!!
1:27 – Explosion Alert! Missile Motorcycle Strikes!
1:29 – Explosion Alert! Missile Motorcycle Strikes 5 more times!!!!!
1:30 – Explosion Alert! RIP Super Cycle... RIP.
1:39 – Explosion Alert!
1:42 – The most tedious gold drop off/pick up ever.
1:45 – Explosion Alert! Holy cow.
1:49 – Wait. Sad, anti-war ending? No credits? Fine by me.

NOTES:

• A few glowing reviews on IMDB make me think the film might be better with group and/or 3B viewing.
  
• Very hard to find. Got mine through Shocking Videos.